Ive never not gotten what i wanted before... its sad, but its true. I have previously always been able to manipulate my environment to my advantage. ( not to my complete advantage, but at least in my favor somehow) So i have absolutely no idea how to deal with my present emotions, and they are taking a tremendous toll on my mental an physical well being & on my general happiness
In turn i sit and i suffer in silence. too ashamed to admit my defeat, too unwilling to be categorized with other women that at one point in my life i felt sorry for, women that i sympathized for... but now i understand, and my empathy for them runs deep.
Yet Still... i cant admit it. i cant admit i want you.. in some ways need you.. and that my heart desires you with an appetite i cant suppress.
But i dont want you... i want you under my terms and to my satisfaction. no half ass efforts and sup-par attempts to regain my trust or my faith. I deserve 100% .. hell i deserve more. and if you wont give it to me, im praying god will send someone who will. Even though i prefer it is you because you are all ive ever known. if it isnt you who will put me first, i hope my experience with you wont have damaged me to the point where i am blind to the person that will. and that one day the sadness my soul feels is one day replaced with happiness again. but i can only pray
My pride with be my demise
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